I feel guilt for a lot of reasons. But the guilt I?m talking about is eating me alive?it?s hard to breathe sometimes?.my mom?s death (part 1)?and my sister?s death (part 2). I know this is long, and I?m sorry.
My mom fought ovarian?cancer for two years before she finally gave up.? It was my day to go and ?watch? her and take care of her. Up until that day, she could talk and somewhat walk around. (We had already been through a lot up to that point, but way too long of a story for SP) Anyway? She was on hospice already so we all knew that death was not far away. My brother, my mom?s bf and I were all picking nights to help so?each of us?could have some rest. Sunday was my day. I went to Church that morning and my plan was to leave and go by the house to get my things and drive to her house to stay the night with her. I spoke with her over the phone the day before. She sounded weak, but able to talk. While I was at Church, my brother called me and I stepped out to return his call. He was crying saying ?mom doesn?t have much time?. I started balling. I walked back in (I was working that Sunday so I sit in the back to run the computers) Someone saw me and asked me if everything was ok.? I whispered that no, my mom?s not doing well.? She told me to just go, leave and she would take over my job. Since I had my family there and only one vehicle, I told her it was alright and I would get through Church and then go.? Honestly, my brother is overly emotional at times and so I didn?t think it was as bad as it was. Needless to say, I stayed and left after Church. We grabbed a bite to eat and went home to pack. I drove the hour and a half over to her house. When I got there, she was already on the brink of death.? There she was laying on her hospital bed, unable to speak.? Her hands and feet already curled in. Her eyes wide open unable to close. Pain meds were forced in a tube attached to her stomach. She had her mouth slightly open and a noise sounding like ?uh? over and over coming out. I didn?t know if she was in pain or not?if she could hear me or see me.?All I could do was?cry. My brother and I just looked at her and cried. We talked to her. We loved on her. We did what we could.? But that was our mama. The strongest person we knew. And she was dying right there. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Not long after that, my brother left to shower and grab some things so he could stay?as it was too close to the end. Two of my mom?s friends showed up and we sat in her room talking and reminising.?I think my mom?had a ministroke and?she seemed to?be sleeping. Her eyes finally closed after hours of having them open. She was still breathing and we were checking her pulse off and on.? About 15 minutes later, my brother hadn?t made it back yet,?and her friends and I went up to my mom?s?head?to check on her. At that moment we all watched her, unkowingly, take her last breath. We waited for her chest to rise again. I never did. I looked at her friend confused. I said ?that?s it?, that?s it?? ?no, no.?not like that, not that easy??I cried and cried. I think I half expected it to be like the movies thrashing around and stuff.
I called my brother to let him know and started making phone calls.? Everyone had to come make their reports since she died at home. The funeral home came and got her body. I?left at three in the morning, eyes almost swollen shut and a migraine?
So the guilt?.OMG the guilt is overwhelming. I should have went over there instead of staying at church. I should have taken more time off work and sat there with her. I should have said so many things. Apologized for so many things. Spent more time with her. I hate that I can?t go back and change it. I hate it with all my heart. It was hard to watch her deteriorate, but I should have been there beacuse it was harder to watch her die and feel this guilt.? Her family (most that was not ever really close)? thought that I could have done so much more for her and that I was self involved and stuck up.? They didn?t know I was already?dealing with depression, I was pregnant, I had a job and 2 other little ones at home and I could only deal with so much. I did the best I could, but I guess to them, it wasn?t enough. That?s the way I?ve always felt since then. I wish I could have?taken my mom?s place.
Source: http://suicideproject.org/2012/08/guilt-part-1/
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