Suicide is not painless.
In 2000, suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among young people aged 15 to 24 years of age, following unintentional injuries and homicide (CDC Wonder).To the survivors it is the most self-serving, self-centered, selfish act a person can attempt.
To the attempter it is the most noble, thoughtful, selfless act they can perform to end an otherwise seemingly bleak situation.
I have a very large extended family that is closer than most. Tragically, one of them committed suicide this year at the young age of 22. It was not expected. There were no warning signs. No verbal threats. It just happened.
I won?t discuss any details out of respect for my family, but I will tell you that this event opened up a flood of emotions, remembrances, and old wounds. I once wanted to be a therapist. ?I?ll try to explain.
When I was a senior in high school I took a night class at a different campus. It was a small class so we all kind of got to know each other. Half way through the semester, grief counselors showed up to tell us that one of our own had taken his life and did anyone want to talk about it. Of course no one did, but to hear these professionals talk for a few hours was very soothing. Most of us went to his funeral a few days later, and the turn out was amazing. The cemetery was packed! I estimated the mourners at over 500, and it got me wondering. Had he realized how any people cared about him enough to celebrate his life? Sure, some marginal people used the funeral as an excuse to get out of class, but the majority went there to honor him and to support his family. I wondered how someone who seemed to have so much going for them, could place so little on their own self-worth and take their own life. I had no answer.
The next suicide I was aware of occurred on April 8, 1994. I was working for a large construction company and on this particular day my job was to service the work trucks in the yard. I saved the oldest most beat up truck for last. It was so old it only had an AM radio. I got in, started it up and it was tuned to an all news station. The announcer broke in and said ?Grunge rocker Kurt Cobain has been found dead in his home from an apparent suicide due to a gunshot wound.? I was initially shocked, and then pissed. He had a little baby girl to love, to raise, to advise, and to watch grow up. Again with so much to live for?your own child, flesh and blood that you brought into this world, how could you take your own life?? Once more, I had no answer.
Years later when I went to college I decided I wanted to be a psychologist. I thought maybe listening to people?I could make a difference. I enrolled in my first psych class and my journey began. Let me tell you right up front I did not pursue it as a career or a line of study. The class parts of it were great, as were the workshops, but the actual act of listening to some truly heart-breaking, wrenching stories gave me second thoughts.?I did learn new ways to listen to people.?It was pretty powerful stuff.
It taught me to notice certain facial, verbal, and body language cues that we humans do without thinking when we lie. ?Lying causes stress and anxiety to occur in the liar. It forces them to move around a lot, avoid eye contact, blink more, and use short one word answers. Some people develop nervous ticks or ?tells? like rubbing their eyes.
The example my instructor used was that you see a friend and they seem to have something on their mind.
Barney: ?Hey Fred how?s it going??At this point you can accept that answer and go on about your day. You feel like ?at least I asked?.
Or you can begin the conversation a different way by engaging them further and encouraging them to talk to you by asking a question that must elicit a more detailed response.
Barney: ?Hey Fred, you look like something is on your mind and is troubling you. Do you want to talk about it??At this point Fred will most likely look at you in wonder. He thought he was hiding it so well and no one would notice. A small amount of relief will soften his face, and he may begin to talk if he trusts you...or he will tell you to piss off. At this point just be a good listener and don?t interrupt. Nod your head at the appropriate times.
Of course a good liar (or ?story teller?) can look you in the eye and make you believe everything is great. I was fortunate to have a great teacher in the ?Art of Bullshit?. I can see through most peoples lies like a clear plastic sandwich bag.
I once sat in as an observer to a group therapy session, with the patients? permission of course. One of the patients, a woman, told her story. She spoke about her attempted suicide at the age of eleven. She was what they used to call a latch-key kid. She spent a lot of time home alone after-school waiting for someone. Her parents were married, but even at that age she knew the marriage was rocky. Her examples of a loving couple were sort of non-existent. ?Looking for ?love? she had been involved with a slightly older boy from her church youth group that she ended when she figured out all he wanted was sex. She had tried to run away a few times, and just been punished for the effort. She had not been suffering from any physical ailments, but she knew now that she had been suffering from depression.
All the time she spent alone, she never felt like she had anyone to talk to. That no one ever listened to her. She never felt empowered. She never felt good enough for her parents. She felt betrayed by a boy who didn?t love her. All this had sent her to a deep dark place. She began acting out in school, her grades dropped, she pulled inward. The school suggested a therapist. Her father was supportive of the idea, but her mother said therapy was all bullshit. The conflicted message from the two people she expected to look out for her led to a less than satisfactory introduction to therapy. Twenty years later she was retelling the part of her story that changed her life the most, her suicide attempt.
At first she just laid out pills on the dining room table and wondered how many it would take. She then found out that over the counter headache pills would not work, they would just destroy her liver. Then raided her parents? medicine cabinet. Not knowing what any of the medications were, she thought she would just take them all. Then she got scared that they wouldn?t do the job and she would just get sick and be a bigger burden to her family. I could not believe what I was hearing. Being sick and alive would have been a bigger burden then being dead? She then decided to hang herself. She explained how in very minute detail, of which I will spare you. She had done it in a way so that she would be found by the whole family. Climbing the ladder, she tied the rope off around a tree limb, and placed the other end around her neck. She said bye to no one in particular and jumped. She only remembered two things after that. The first was she screamed in her head ?I don?t want to die?, and the next that the rope broke and she tumbled to the ground.? I gasped at this point and had tears running down my face. I knew then I could never be a therapist. I would become too emotionally attached to my patients.
She never again attempted suicide. She had turned to self-medicating with what ever substances she could get her hands on, mostly marijuana and alcohol. As an adult she pursued therapy, and began receiving proper medications. ?She knew she was a very lucky woman and she had been thankful for every single day of her life since that almost tragic afternoon. She had grown up, fallen in love, got married, divorced, gone to school, had a great career, and was glad to be alive. She?d had no regrets for any of the bad choices she had made since that day. She was glad she had the opportunity to make them.
What I took away from all this was that I needed to learn to be a better listener, observer, and friend, to really hear what those around me were saying and notice what they were doing. If you ever suspect someone around you has changed their demeanor, or their outlook on life has taken a swing either up or down, take a few minutes and talk to them. If you suspect ANYTHING, please notify their spouse, a parent, a sibling, a best friend, anyone who cares about them.?
Mental illness is a medical condition that is treatable. Sometimes just listening to a friend may not be enough though and you will have to bring in the professionals.
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Source: http://ericlaase.blogspot.com/2012/02/suicide-is-not-painless.html
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